I’m not going Back

I spent the last four days at the beach in Wilmington.

It wasn't planned. My brother and sister in law invited me, and I'm thankful they did because I didn't realize how much I needed a quick getaway.

Four days with my mom, my nephews, sand between my toes and tan lines that will probably take weeks to disappear. I woke up at dawn to watch the sunrise and spent evenings sitting on the beach watching the sun go down, listening to the waves crash and thinking to myself, this is the life I want.

Not necessarily the beach house, although I wouldn't turn that down.

The freedom.

The ability to wake up on a random morning in August and watch the sunrise without thinking about the first meeting on my calendar. To spend the day with people I love without constantly checking my phone or feeling like there is somewhere else I'm supposed to be.

I don't want to go back.

And the funny thing is, I'm actively trying to.

I had two interviews this week, which honestly felt like a relief. In this economy, knowing my résumé is getting some hits gives me hope. I want another opportunity. I need another opportunity. I'm an independent woman who likes expensive things, so unfortunately bills aren't accepting peace and good vibes as payment.

But there is a part of me that's almost scared to go back.

Not scared of working. I've been working my entire adult life. I'm scared of becoming that version of myself again.

Stressed. Burned out. Overworked. Giving so much of myself to work that there wasn't much left when the laptop finally closed.

I'm not going back to that.

Sitting on the beach with my mom made me think about how much time I've already missed. Playing with my nephews made me think about all the time I don't want to miss.

My nephews won't be this young forever.

My mother isn't getting any younger.

And neither am I.

There will always be another email. Another meeting. Another deadline. Another project somebody has convinced us is urgent. There won't always be another summer exactly like this one.

On the final day of the trip, there was a double rainbow over the water.

I immediately thought about God's promise after the flood. Not a promise that there would never be another storm, but a reminder that the storm doesn't get the final word.

Maybe I needed that reminder.

Because I'm not naive enough to think the life I'm building will never be stressful. Another job will have waves. Entrepreneurship will have waves. Relationships will have waves. Life will have waves.

I can't control every wave that's coming, but I can decide how I move through them.

That's what feels different now.

When I go back, I'm going back with a CEO mindset.

Not CEO of the company. CEO of my own life.

A job can be part of my plan without becoming my entire plan.

The next opportunity can give me income, stability and experience while I keep building the things that belong to me. My businesses. My writing. My brand. My investments. The ideas that are still just ideas right now.

I'll let the work help me get there.

My goal is to be able to take a month long sabbatical every year simply because I can.

A full month where my time belongs to me. Maybe I'm traveling. Maybe I'm sitting on a beach with my family. Maybe I'm writing, exploring somewhere new or doing absolutely nothing at all. The point is having the freedom to choose.

I'm not there yet.

But now I know what I'm building toward.

Maybe that's one of the gifts of this pause. I've had enough distance from my old life to decide what I actually want to take with me into the next one.

Eventually, I'll go back to work. My calendar will fill up again. There will be meetings, deadlines and days when I'd much rather have my toes in the sand.

I hope I remember sitting there thinking, this is life.

I'm going back.

I'm just not going back the same.