Starting over, Not from scratch

I never thought I'd be starting over at 35.

If you would've asked me in my twenties what 35 looked like, I probably would've told you established. Secure. Successful. By then I would've done the hard part. My twenties were for building and my thirties were supposed to be when I got to enjoy what I built.

At least that was the plan.

Instead, here I am at 35 feeling like I'm standing at ground zero in almost every area of my life.

Career. Health. Finances. Relationships. Faith. Even my hair.

Starting over.

And if I'm being real, there are days when that's hard to accept. You spend years building something you think is supposed to sustain you only to look around one day and realize some of it isn't standing anymore.

But maybe that's because I was building parts of my life on a foundation that wasn't meant for me.

Maybe what I built became too heavy for the foundation underneath it.

And when something collapses, it doesn't mean everything disappears.

There is rubble.

There are fragments.

There are pieces that survived.

There are things worth keeping and things you probably should've thrown away a long time ago.

So maybe I'm at ground zero, but I'm not empty handed.

I'm starting over, but I'm not starting from scratch.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize this isn't just about my career. I'm rebuilding in ways both big and small. Some are life changing, and some are literally staring back at me in the mirror.

Even my hair is starting over.

I grew my hair all the way down to my bra strap and then somewhere between Dominican blowouts, miracle knots and doing kitchen salon when my hair wasn't in protective styles, I stopped taking care of my actual hair and became more concerned with the style.

And I knew better.

That's probably the most annoying part.

Now, at 35, I'm getting ready to cut it above my shoulders and start again.

But I've grown my hair before. I know what it needs. I know it can grow. This time I just have to be willing to take care of what's underneath the style.

I'm starting over, but I'm not starting from scratch.

My body feels the same way.

I spent most of my twenties in really good shape. Then my thirties came and my weight started going up and down. Last year I was traveling constantly for work, eating whatever sounded good on the per diem, drinking with the team late at night and getting up early the next morning with absolutely no intention of seeing the inside of a gym.

Now I'm back in the 200s, numbers I really hoped I would never see on the scale again.

Here we are.

But I've lost more than 50 pounds before. I know what my body is capable of. And now that I'm not traveling constantly and my time is mine again, I have the freedom.

What I need now is the discipline.

I'm starting over, but I'm not starting from scratch.

Then there's my relationship with God.

He never left.

Even during the seasons when I wasn't consistent in my Word. When my giving wasn't what it should've been. When I went to church for a few weeks and then disappeared again. When I would get into a routine with God and somehow allow life to interrupt it.

He still provided.

He still protected me.

He still gave me mercy and grace.

My faith isn't something I'm discovering for the first time. The roots are already there. I just need to tend to them again.

I'm starting over, but I'm not starting from scratch.

I'm doing the same thing with my health. I haven't been feeling like myself lately, and I'm sure stress and carrying more weight than I'm used to aren't helping. Not having a job will definitely give your nervous system a few things to think about.

But I'm learning to put my health back near the top of the list instead of somewhere after everything else gets handled.

With friendships, I've isolated myself more than I probably should have. I love my alone time, maybe a little too much, but I also know I'm not alone. I have three or four close friends I know I can call. I know how to connect with people. I know how to build relationships. Now I want to be intentional about putting myself out there again and making room for new people too.

Romantically, there are some bridges I burned that probably didn't need to be burned.

There were situations I handled immaturely. There were others that simply needed to end. And looking back, I can see cycles I repeated because I hadn't learned the lesson yet.

I know more now.

I know I want a partner who is equally yoked with me. Someone who wants to build. Someone who can grow with me instead of requiring either of us to stay the same.

I don't get to change what happened before, but I do get to decide what I carry into the next relationship.

I'm starting over, but I'm not starting from scratch.

Even financially, I'm rebuilding.

Funny enough, being unemployed has made me less stressed about money in some ways. I've been able to put a few things on hold and really look at my relationship with money instead of just making it, spending it and repeating the cycle.

I made over six figures and still took on more debt than I wanted.

That's something I have to own.

So when the income comes back, I don't want to just go back to making more. I want to handle more differently.

I want the debt gone. I want financial freedom. I want assets. I want investments. I want my money to help build the life I'm constantly talking about instead of simply financing the appearance of one.

Again, I'm not starting from scratch.

That's what I'm beginning to understand about 35.

I thought starting over meant everything I had done before was wasted.

It doesn't.

I'm bringing 35 years with me.

The career didn't disappear just because the job did. I still have the experience, relationships, skills and lessons.

The weight coming back doesn't erase the fact that I've lost it before and learned what my body needs.

Cutting my hair doesn't erase the years it took to grow it.

Inconsistency doesn't erase my faith.

Relationships ending don't erase what they taught me about love or about myself.

Debt doesn't erase everything I've learned about earning money.

The building may look different, but I'm not standing on an empty lot.

I have pieces.

I have plans.

I have experience.

And this time, I know a little more about the foundation.

Maybe that's the gift of starting over at 35.

At 25, I was building based on what I thought life was supposed to look like.

At 35, I get to build based on what I've learned about who I actually am.

I'm sure I'll still get some things wrong. I'll probably repeat a lesson or two because apparently that's how I like to learn sometimes.

But I'm not afraid of rebuilding the way I used to be.

Because I've already proven I can build.

Now I'm learning to build something that can actually hold the weight of the life I want.

I'm starting over.

But I'm not starting from scratch.