Getting Back to Me

One of the unexpected perks of being unemployed is the slow mornings.

For more than a decade, my days belonged to a calendar. Meetings. Zoom calls. Emails. Deadlines. Somebody always needed something, and there was always somewhere I needed to be, even if "somewhere" was just another little square on my computer screen.

Now, I'm the master of my own day.

Surprisingly, I thought that would make the days feel longer. Instead, they're flying by.

There is something strange about waking up and realizing no one is waiting for you to log on. No boss checking your calendar. No meeting you have to prepare for. No Teams notification interrupting your thoughts. My time is mine again, and I'm realizing how long it's been since I could really say that.

For a while, I didn't know what to do with it.

I had gotten so wrapped up in my career that somewhere along the way I stopped taking care of myself the way I should have. I stopped working out consistently. I gained nearly 30 pounds. My nervous system constantly felt like it was on high alert. Even when I wasn't working, I don't know if I ever completely turned work off.

I had gotten really good at taking care of everything that needed to be done and not always so good at taking care of the person doing it.

So while I'm figuring out what's next, the next career, the next job, the businesses, the brand, the move, all of the big plans floating around in my head, I'm also trying to find Victoria again.

And honestly, I like her.

She's becoming a 5 a.m. gym girly, or at least she's trying to be. She's cooking more. Reading again. Taking walks. Exploring Charlotte. Getting back into her faith. Volunteering. Journaling. Meditating. Taking a nap in the middle of the day simply because she can.

She's even reorganizing an entire house before putting it on the market because apparently I needed another project.

But more than anything, I'm learning to treat myself like a priority again.

Not the job.

Not the next opportunity.

Not the business.

Me.

I'm spending more time with myself without completely isolating myself, because I know I'm good for that too. I genuinely enjoy my own company, sometimes a little too much. So I'm learning to be more intentional about the relationships I already have while also making space for new ones. I'm learning that getting back to myself doesn't mean retreating from everyone else.

It means paying attention to what makes me feel like me.

I'm also learning that freedom needs structure.

It would be very easy right now to stay in bed all day. To watch TV. Scroll for hours. Tell myself I'll start tomorrow because technically there is no boss waiting for me to turn something in.

But that's not the life I'm trying to build.

I've started thinking about my days differently. If I say I want to be a CEO, build businesses, write, create, invest, travel, take care of myself and have control over my time, then maybe I shouldn't wait until I have all of those things to start living like the woman who does.

So I'm practicing now.

My mornings are slower, but they're intentional. I pray. I meditate. I journal. I work out. I block time to work on Soft Structure and Twelve Nineteen. I apply for jobs. I read. I research. I work on my house. And sometimes I do absolutely nothing productive for a little while.

I'm learning to make room for that too.

Because getting back to myself isn't about creating another version of corporate life at home. I don't need to fill every hour just because I can. I don't want to leave a life where my calendar controlled me only to build another one where I've scheduled every second of my freedom.

That's the balance I'm trying to learn.

Structure without rigidity.

Ambition without exhaustion.

Rest without guilt.

Freedom without wasting it.

Maybe that's part of what Soft Structure means to me too.

I don't have a boss telling me what needs to happen next anymore. Nobody is making sure I get out of bed, go to the gym, write the essay, send the application, build the business, read the book, say the prayer or put the phone down.

It's on me.

And maybe one of the hardest things I've had to accept in this season is that no one is going to save me.

Of course, I have people who love me, support me, pray for me and want to see me win. I have faith that God is ordering my steps even when I can't see where they're leading. But I still have to take the steps.

No one is coming to magically hand me the life I keep saying I want.

If I want to be healthier, I have to get up and move my body. If I want to write, I have to sit down and write. If I want to build businesses, I have to build them. If I want deeper relationships, I have to be intentional about showing up for people. If I want a different life, eventually my daily choices have to start looking like it.

For years, there was always some external structure telling me what needed to happen next. A deadline. A meeting. A performance goal. A boss. Now I'm learning how to become that structure for myself.

There's something scary about that, but there's something freeing about it too.

No one is going to save me, but maybe I don't need saving.

Maybe I just needed enough quiet to remember that I have agency over what happens next.

These days are going to pass whether I use them well or not. Eventually I'll have another job. Eventually my calendar will fill up again. The house will sell. The businesses will grow. Life will get louder.

And I know myself well enough to know that I'll probably miss some of these quiet mornings when it does.

So I don't want to spend this entire season obsessing over when it's going to end.

I want to be here while I'm here.

I want to look back and know that I didn't just use this time to find another job. I used it to find myself again.

I want to leave this season with habits I'll carry into the next one. A stronger body. A quieter mind. A deeper faith. Businesses that started as ideas and became something real. Relationships I was intentional about nurturing. A better relationship with myself.

Maybe getting back to yourself isn't really about going backward at all.

Maybe it's about remembering who you were before the world got so loud, keeping the parts of her you still love, and making room for the woman you're becoming.

I'm still figuring out who that woman is.

But I'm enjoying getting to know her.